SOMETIMES I WISH . . . . .

Sometimes I wish I never knew what it felt like to love, to be devoted, to give and understand compassion.

Sometimes I wish I never knew the loneliness of love, the uncertainty, the grief and pain it can cause.

Sometimes I wish I never opened up my heart to love, when it knocked on the door and whispered I am here.

Sometimes I wish I had said go away and do not try to find your way back here to my heart, go and bother someone else.

Sometimes I wish I never believed in the fairy tale of love, the dreams, the happily ever after that very rarely proves to be happily ever after in reality.  The after part only means after you have given everything and cannot give any more, then love leaves to find a new victim of its sometimes cruel existence.

Sometimes I wish that I could have been smarter than love, wiser than love but somehow love knew just how to alter my thoughts and move into my heart. At times, rendering me helpless, hopelessly at the mercy of love’s demands and sacrifices.

Sometimes I wonder had I not loved so deeply, devotedly, proudly, with honor and integrity -  than maybe, just maybe,  I would not have to grieve equally so deeply.

Sometimes I wonder how the heart can feel so heavy when it is so empty of all it once knew.

Sometimes I wonder how love can be such a game of life, each person using it to their own selfish end and never playing the game fairly, just playing it to win whatever victory that it can achieve. Victory  at whose expense?  But it never is, ever a victory when one looks back over their life.

Sometimes I wonder when I wake up alone, go to sleep alone, why I bothered to love and love a heart that never returned the favor of love, the desires of love, the completeness of love, the tenderness of love.

Sometimes I am reminded that love can be precious, magical, the very breath of the soul.

Sometimes I am reminded to treasure love, to respect love, to give of love its true value and worth. For to hold onto love, to shelter love, to not allow love it’s full expression, the result - the soul will grieve.

Sometimes I am reminded why the soul came here -  if not to love – if not to cry – if not to share – if not to experience the joys – the sorrows – the victories and the defeats of the human heart.

Sometimes I pray.

Sometimes God answers.

Sometime soon my heart will love again, and again, and again, for I did not come here to allow my soul to remain heartbroken.

Sometimes I know that to Love God through it all, to trust, and to believe in a better tomorrow is a lesson well learned, no matter how I had to learn it.

Sometime, yes sometime soon, love will knock again on the door of my heart and I will once again say come in.

Sincerely yours,